God and I

Time with God

Time with God

I haven’t been able to sleep lately. I fall asleep at midnight and wake up two hours later thinking I got a good night’s rest, until I look at the clock.  My heart sinks every time it happens. The cause of these sleepless nights is two parts stress, and one part autoimmune disorder and the pain that comes with it. Last night, was a good night!  I fell asleep at midnight, and woke up at 4 AM, and ENTIRE hour before my first alarm goes off! Truthfully, I almost threw a hissy-fit because I wanted that one hour! But I decided to be grateful and thank God that I slept as long as I did without waking up every hour.

I decided to make good use of my time. I was awake. God is awake. I figured it was a good time for me and Him to chat. I don’t do that often. I usually talk to God throughout the day about little stuff. Like:

Dear God, PLEASE change the traffic light! I’m about to be late for work.

or

God, I am so sleepy, please help me make it to the end of my shift!

This winter, my conversations were more like:

Seriously God? MORE snow?! Why do we need more snow?!

But there was one conversation I had with Him, where I told him how tired I was. I got transparent with him. I went through the “why me” of the autoimmune situation, and finally settled in my mind that this disorder is what I have to deal with, now. I didn’t have a choice. I had the, “If it’s your will, Lord,” conversation with God. When it comes to health, it’s actually easy to say, “If it’s your will, God, let it be so,” because you are usually already in the midst of the issue at that point. But, I decided to extend that prayer. I asked Him to take away the condition, if it was his will, but I asked Him to take away other things, too. That’s a more difficult prayer. At that point, you are laying everything on the line; family, friends, the job you love, the possessions you worked hard for and cherish and that He blessed you with. Now, I did punctuate that prayer with, “but if you don’t need to take anything, don’t.” Because I didn’t REALLY want God to feel obligated to take anything. He’s not a genie in the bottle, after all!  He immediately went to work! He shaved a lot of things out of my life that made functioning day-to-day easier on me. But, He took something that was very important to me, something that I wanted to keep. I was about to complain to Him about it when He reminded me of my prayer. I had to shut my mouth and accept the loss.

How often do you hear people celebrate God answering prayer when He gives them something? Often, I’m sure. How often do you hear people celebrate when God takes something they wanted? Not so much. But this is a learning process.  There is a scripture in the bible that says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) It reminds me that A.) what was taken is not the worse loss that I can suffer, and B.) God has a plan for my life, which means He will take things out of my way that may have been blocking me, or moving me in the wrong direction.

So, all this to say, that at 4AM this morning, I began celebrating God remembering and answering my prayer. He is taking me somewhere and I can’t go to that opportunity He has planned for me with excess baggage slowing me down!

Thank you, God!

Last Supper In Sudan

I’m cheating a bit with this post for the A to Z Challenge.  I know the title starts with ‘L’ but this post is for the letter “S” as in, ‘Supper’ and ‘Sudan.’

I wrote this poem in 2010. My cousin posted the Pulitzer Prize winning photo, captured by photographer, Kevin Carter, on Facebook and it moved me. It’s horrible, and heartbreaking but it’s real. Kevin Carter committed suicide the year after capturing this image. He was haunted by the things he saw in the Sudan.  It’s not certain if this child survived.  You can find more information about this picture and the photographer here.

Last Supper in Sudan

We are both hungry but only one of us will eat.
The predator stalks me
anticipating my last breath
and fight as I may
I know that last breath will overtake me
and before earth can cover me
The Stalker will move in to nip at my flesh.
I’m young and dying
and I don’t know what scares me more
the breath of death so near my cheek
or the talons of the predator so close my back.

Kevin Carter/CORBIS/Sygma

Time

You’ve passed it by,

squandered it,

gave it away,

burned it,

and now you look back

and lament;

wasting eye water,

wishing to hold it in your hands once more.

But it’s gone!

I’ve stolen it!

It’s mine!

I hold it tight in my grasp and you will never get it back!

But I’m not so horrible.

There is more if you look.

Just know it is not available in surplus.

Supply is limited.

Grasp it and use wisely

or I’ll claim it as my own,

again.

The Time Keeper

The Time Keeper

Rainbows in My Tear Drops

Once again, I’ve dug into my archives and found this little gem! It was written as a tribute to a child who was in a terrible auto accident some years ago.

Teardrops

Rainbows in My Tear Drops

I chase the last rays of day
and clutch them in my hands
so I can place them in your eyes
and enjoy the golden glow.

I want to give you a field
of honeysuckle and peonies,
sweet and fragrant
to match your spirit and beauty.

I want to give you every word
thought
and spoken
and yet to be created
to be sure you never lack ways
to express love
and peace
and joy
and pain.

I’m going to take the rainbows
in my tear drops
and toss them towards the sun
and pray that our floods evaporate
and our feet find dry places to rest.

I’m going to hold these gifts
and wait
wait
wait
for you
to return to me.

Intimacy

Here is another poem from my archives. This should cover the letter ‘I’ for the A to Z Blog Challenge!  Enjoy!

Intimacy

I want to reach into you
and touch that part of your heart
that is scarred
and make it smooth again.
I want to be your healer.

I want to take that part of your heart
that is cold from lack of real love
and hold it next to mine.
I want to be your lover.

I want to take that piece of your mind
that is calculating every impossibility
of never loving again
and give it a safe place to rest.
I want to give you peace.

I want to wipe your eyes clear
of morning mist and late night tears
that flow in secret
so you can clearly see me standing before you
with arms out stretched, waiting for you, wanting you.

I want to embrace your hurting soul
and give you comfort
so you always know that your heart and soul
are safe in my arms.

Nike Binger Marshall © 2010

Old Poetry

Here is piece I found while digging in my archives. I wrote this piece when I was with a group called SP2.  (Good times, gooooood times!)

Enjoy!

 

 

What I’d Give For Love

I heard you

when you said you love me.

When you said

I don’t have to be afraid

to put this bruised

and broken heart in your hands

and you promised to mend it

and nurse it back to wholeness.

I know you meant it.

My heart began to heal

at that moment.

 

Your love is a treasure.

 

I want to savor

the feeling of pure love.

I’ve known love unrequited

one-sided love,

and neglected love.

We are familiar acquaintances

running a well-worn

path of sadness and isolation.

They are the hopeless brood

that bid me good morning each day,

and haunt my forlorn dreams each night.

 

My heart received your offering

of unconditional love,

but my mind has counted the cost

and potential loss,

and placed a lock on my lips

every time those words attempted

to travel across my tongue,

towards your patiently waiting ears.

I want you to hear

what burdens my heart

and comprehend

my vacillation

and trepidation.

I don’t want to lose any more.

I have just enough heart left

to survive one more attempt at love

or die trying to obtain it.

So, if you promise

to be tender

and patient with me,

I will give you the key

to my heart.

I will let you in.

I will reach out to you.

I will let you hold me

and sacrifice fear

for the possibility

of enduring love.

 

 

Nike Binger Marshall ©2009

Moving On

Sometimes life throws you curveballs. Sometimes it hits you square in the gut like a sledgehammer. It throws you off-center, tosses your apple cart, capsizes your yacht, moves you out of your comfort zone. You have no choice but to go along with it. Resistance is futile. You might stand still for a moment to try to assess the root cause, but many times, that level of inactivity is a pure waste of time and mental energy. It’s easier said than done, but you have to move forward. You have to talk yourself into girding up your loins, putting one foot in front of the other and actively moving forward. But you have to move!