Dear Vonnie

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Dear Vonnie,

I have to live my life in such a way that makes you feel a sense of pride, in spite of my brokenness.  My imperfections are like a scarlet letter on your chest. Everyone can see how much I’ve hurt you.  The hurt pours off of you like water overflowing the banks of a river.  My habit has caused damage that saturates every corner of your life. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me anymore.

I want to talk to you, face to face, and find out how I hurt you most. I want to fix what I’ve broken in you. I want to make amends.  I can’t give you back your childhood, as much as I want to, as much as I wish I could.  But tell me, if not giving you respite from being a caregiver, then what can I do?  That being said, if you want distance, if that will make you happy, then I’ll leave you be.  I don’t want you to carry the shame of my addiction.  It never should have been your burden, and I’m sorry that I’ve added that smudge on your life.  It’s not what I wanted for your life. You deserve the best.

I’ve fallen off the wagon many times. Things got overwhelming and hiding out at the bottom of a bottle seemed safe and familiar at the time.  But I’ve been clean and sober for five years, now.  I love my sober life. All that is missing are you and the baby. I hope we can move towards changing that.

I wish you came to meetings with me sometimes so we could heal and grow together.  Things feel unfinished without you and the baby in my life. I know I have to put in the work to rebuild your trust.

I am moving in two weeks.  My address is below. I hope you keep in touch, maybe visit from time to time.  Maybe in time, we can be a family again.

I love you,

Mom

 

 

 

Copyright 2013 Nike Binger Marshall

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3 thoughts on “Dear Vonnie

  1. Your blog has been selected by me for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award. Even if you prefer not to accept this award, please accept this as a compliment and an indication of appreciation for your creative work. The philosophy of the award is: “The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is an award for the loyal fan/commenter, whether the recipient is a fellow blogger or just someone who follows and comments regularly.” Congratulations!
    -MeganElizabeth “Creative Imaginations”

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