I have to live my life in such a way that makes you feel a sense of pride, in spite of my brokenness. My imperfections are like a scarlet letter on your chest. Everyone can see how much I’ve hurt you. The hurt pours off of you like water overflowing the banks of a river. My habit has caused damage that saturates every corner of your life. I don’t want you to be ashamed of me anymore.
I want to talk to you, face to face, and find out how I hurt you most. I want to fix what I’ve broken in you. I want to make amends. I can’t give you back your childhood, as much as I want to, as much as I wish I could. But tell me, if not giving you respite from being a caregiver, then what can I do? That being said, if you want distance, if that will make you happy, then I’ll leave you be. I don’t want you to carry the shame of my addiction. It never should have been your burden, and I’m sorry that I’ve added that smudge on your life. It’s not what I wanted for your life. You deserve the best.
I’ve fallen off the wagon many times. Things got overwhelming and hiding out at the bottom of a bottle seemed safe and familiar at the time. But I’ve been clean and sober for five years, now. I love my sober life. All that is missing are you and the baby. I hope we can move towards changing that.
I wish you came to meetings with me sometimes so we could heal and grow together. Things feel unfinished without you and the baby in my life. I know I have to put in the work to rebuild your trust.
I am moving in two weeks. My address is below. I hope you keep in touch, maybe visit from time to time. Maybe in time, we can be a family again.
I love you,
Copyright 2013 Nike Binger Marshall