I haven’t been able to sleep lately. I fall asleep at midnight and wake up two hours later thinking I got a good night’s rest, until I look at the clock. My heart sinks every time it happens. The cause of these sleepless nights is two parts stress, and one part autoimmune disorder and the pain that comes with it. Last night, was a good night! I fell asleep at midnight, and woke up at 4 AM, and ENTIRE hour before my first alarm goes off! Truthfully, I almost threw a hissy-fit because I wanted that one hour! But I decided to be grateful and thank God that I slept as long as I did without waking up every hour.
I decided to make good use of my time. I was awake. God is awake. I figured it was a good time for me and Him to chat. I don’t do that often. I usually talk to God throughout the day about little stuff. Like:
Dear God, PLEASE change the traffic light! I’m about to be late for work.
God, I am so sleepy, please help me make it to the end of my shift!
This winter, my conversations were more like:
Seriously God? MORE snow?! Why do we need more snow?!
But there was one conversation I had with Him, where I told him how tired I was. I got transparent with him. I went through the “why me” of the autoimmune situation, and finally settled in my mind that this disorder is what I have to deal with, now. I didn’t have a choice. I had the, “If it’s your will, Lord,” conversation with God. When it comes to health, it’s actually easy to say, “If it’s your will, God, let it be so,” because you are usually already in the midst of the issue at that point. But, I decided to extend that prayer. I asked Him to take away the condition, if it was his will, but I asked Him to take away other things, too. That’s a more difficult prayer. At that point, you are laying everything on the line; family, friends, the job you love, the possessions you worked hard for and cherish and that He blessed you with. Now, I did punctuate that prayer with, “but if you don’t need to take anything, don’t.” Because I didn’t REALLY want God to feel obligated to take anything. He’s not a genie in the bottle, after all! He immediately went to work! He shaved a lot of things out of my life that made functioning day-to-day easier on me. But, He took something that was very important to me, something that I wanted to keep. I was about to complain to Him about it when He reminded me of my prayer. I had to shut my mouth and accept the loss.
How often do you hear people celebrate God answering prayer when He gives them something? Often, I’m sure. How often do you hear people celebrate when God takes something they wanted? Not so much. But this is a learning process. There is a scripture in the bible that says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) It reminds me that A.) what was taken is not the worse loss that I can suffer, and B.) God has a plan for my life, which means He will take things out of my way that may have been blocking me, or moving me in the wrong direction.
So, all this to say, that at 4AM this morning, I began celebrating God remembering and answering my prayer. He is taking me somewhere and I can’t go to that opportunity He has planned for me with excess baggage slowing me down!
Thank you, God!