Today’s post was inspired by the daily post prompt and the words in caps below (link provided). The Daily post prompt word is: Joke
I was in the market for a dog. I always wanted a dog, but could not settle on a breed. Since I downsized from a four bedroom house to a two bedroom cottage, I thought a smaller dog, like a poodle, might suit me well. I’d placed calls to a number of sellers, but hadn’t met my “match” yet. So when I heard a knock at my door and opened it to find a well groomed, brown Cavapoo sitting on my front step, I considered it fate! We took to each other like tea and scones!
There was a note attached to the dog’s collar that read: WEEP AND TREMBLE! FOR I AM THE EMISSARY OF DOOM AND DESPAIR, COME TO BEGIN THE FINAL CLEANSING OF MANKIND! It was such an odd note to attach to such a cute and friendly little pooch! Surely, it was joke! I took the time to check for any outward appearances of disease or neglect, and to determine the gender. Finding no signs of illness, or boy parts, I named my new friend Lola. She seemed to like the name.
“Well, Lola! How about we get you something to eat? Hmmm? Would you like that, sweetie?” Lola barked and wagged her tail at the mention of food. I already had a steak marinating in the fridge for my dinner. But it wasn’t big enough to split between us. I had some meatballs that I cooked and placed in the freezer for future meals, and decided to give her that until I was able to get her proper dog food later on. I warmed up the food and placed it in a plastic dish. I fixed my dinner while she ate. I made a six ounce sirloin steak with sautéed onions, potato wedges and steamed broccoli. I could not wait to dig in! Lola had finished her meatballs and was sitting near the kitchen table, waiting for crumbs to rain down on her. I sat down at the table and said grace. I heard Lola growl a little bit as I said, “Amen.” Maybe she was thirsty. I got up to get her a bowl of water, and to grab the A1 Sauce out of the fridge. When I looked back at my plate, the steak and potatoes were gone. I scolded her. At least she had the decency to look ashamed. I decided that I might as well go to the store to buy some dog food, since she seemed to be a bottomless pit and I needed to buy myself some take-out and a few other essentials.
Since the pet store was next to the burger joint, I made that my first stop. I got her food, a leash and food bowls. I also made an appointment to get her shots done and to get her chipped the next day with the in-house vet. I ordered my burger and fries, and gave her a warning death glare as I got in the car with my dinner. She understood my meaning and looked out the window on the car ride home. In order to prevent her from stealing my food again, I let her explore the back yard while I ate. Ten minutes later, I heard barking, snarling, whimpering and whining. I ran to the back porch to see a hole Lola had dug under the fence between my and my neighbor’s yards. I ran to the fence and saw Lola chasing Rex, my neighbor’s Rottweiler. She managed to catch him and clamp her jaws on his leg and she wasn’t letting go. Rex’s owner, Bob came out to his back porch and started wailing and flailing his arms about before grabbing the water hose and spraying Lola with the hardest setting. It worked. She yelped in surprise and let go of Rex long enough for me to jump over the fence and tackle her be for she went for his jugular.
“What the hell is that,” Bob screamed.
“I’m so sorry, Bob! This is Lola. I just got her today. I’ll fix the hole under the fence. I promise! Is Rex ok?”
Rex was cowering behind Bob, whimpering and squealing. His eyes were rolling around and he was baring his teeth and backing into the wall behind Bob.
“NO!! He’s not ok!!! Look at his legs! That rabid animal of yours just about took the flesh off his bones! Look there! His skin is dangling! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” When Bob threatened to call his lawyer, Lola went wild. She broke free of my grip and charged at Bob and Rex. Now, they were both crying and screaming on the porch. Without taking his eyes off of us, Bob scrambled to open his back door so he and Rex could slip inside and put a barrier between them and Lola. Lola stood at the foot of the porch and growled and barked so hard, her body bounced. Once he was safely in his house with Rex, he pointed an accusing finger at Lola and screamed, “That animal is possessed! Get that thing off my property! I’m calling animal control!” And with that, he slammed his door shut and Lola stopped barking. She turned around, grabbed Rex’s rawhide bone between her teeth, and happily trotted back to the hole under the fence. She kicked some of the disturbed dirt into the yard with her hind legs before disappearing under the fence with her spoils. I hopped back over the fence, and followed her back into the house.
Within the hour, Animal Control arrived at my house. I let them in and explained how I came to have the dog. I assured them I would be taking her to the vet in the morning to have her checked out. They watched as she ran around the living room, happily barking and rolling around on the carpet. Every now and then, she would trot up to one of the officers, place her paws on their leg and force her head under the palm of their hand to get a little scratch behind her ear. They thought she was cute and friendly, if not a little hyper. They issued me a warning, wished me a good evening and went on their way.
“That was close!” Lola yapped in agreement. I took a look at her and noticed she was quite dirty after her backyard adventures. So I decided to give her a bath. She loved it! She tried to eat the bubbles, and she splashed in the water like a toddler. There wasn’t a dry surface in the bathroom by the time we were done. Lola settled down to play with her recently acquired rawhide bone, while I cleaned up the bathroom, then showered. I came out to the living room to check on the puppy to discover that she had pooped on my white Corinthian leather love seat. I took a deep breath and counted to 20. She was an innocent animal. She didn’t know any better. She wasn’t housebroken, I repeated these words in my mind over and over as I gathered supplies to clean up the mess. I placed a plastic bag over the dustpan, and another over the broom and slid the steaming mound of poo off the love seat. I had to hold my breath because the mound, which was almost as big as the dog’s head, had a strong sulphuric bouquet. It made my eyes water. I noticed it was melting the plastic bag and dustpan, and a charred hole in the loveseat. Even some of the bristles on the broom began to curl. I wasn’t certain if that was because of the odor or the heat coming off of the mess. I didn’t think stool from any living being was supposed to be so noticeably hot. I quickly found a glass jar and tried to save a stool sample to have the vet examine it in the morning, but while I was trying to clean up the melting dustpan, the glass holding the sample shattered.
“I give up, ” I muttered. Lola whined apologetically. I gave her another death glare and she quieted. I decided to quickly sneak the plastic, the broken glass and the brimstone poo into the hole under the fence in the backyard. Hopefully, Bob wouldn’t notice and I could deal with covering it before he saw it.
The rest of the evening was calm. Lola slept in the bed next to me. She snored like a full grown man and her breath smelled like an open grave, but she wasn’t terrorizing animals three times her size, or leaving a trail of combustible excrement around the house, so it was a good night over all.
The next morning, she was quietly and patiently laying next to me, waiting for me to wake up. I got out of bed, gave her a fresh food and water, showered, dressed, and took her for a quick walk. (I brought my kitchen fire extinguisher with me, just in case…) We returned to the house from an pleasantly uneventful walk. I was certain that this day would be a better day. I had a quick breakfast and took my shower. As I was doing my hair in the bathroom, I heard Lola barking and growling in the bedroom. I poked my head in to see what the fuss was about. She was looking at herself in the full length mirror on my closet door. Lola, once again was barking hard enough that her entire body bounced, but her reflection was not! As a matter of fact, her reflection barely resembled the cute little puppy I was standing behind. The dog in the mirror had matted brown fur, blood red eyes, and long teeth that looked like pointy, white needles, and it was snarling and growling at Lola! I stifled a scream and tossed my bathrobe at the reflection as I leaned down and scooped up Lola! I ran out of the house without my purse or shoes, and drove five miles to the dog pound. They could figure out what was wrong with her! I pulled up to the building, jumped out the car, ran inside and placed Lola on the reception desk.
“Her name is Lola,” I shouted as I ran out the door.
“But Miss,” I heard the receptionist call behind me. I didn’t stop to hear what she had to say. I flung a trash can and toppled a fake ficus as I ran out the door. I sped away from the curb before she made it out of the of the building. I don’t think she was able to take down my license plate number, and I did run at least two stop signs, but Lola was out of my life!
When I got back home, I removed the mirrored closet door and set it out on the curb for trash collection. I called the landscaper to fill the hole in the backyard and went in search of the card that was attached to Lola’s collar. I found it on the console table by the front door. I read it again. “Fear and tremble,” it said. Silly me, I should have paid attention to that line. I turned the card over and noticed an additional note I’d missed in my initial excitement. I read the note, drew my blinds, turned off my phone, hid in my room and began to recite The Lord’s Prayer. The note said:
HER SISTER IS STUCK IN QUARANTINE AT THE AIRPORT, BUT WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU WITHIN 48 HOURS. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.