The Last Time I Said, I Love You

I thought things were going well. We were having a good time. You treated me to dinner and a movie and afterwards we sat in the car and talked for an hour. We didn’t realize how much time had passed, the conversation was so good. That’s how we’d been for a year. We clicked. It felt natural, normal. So when you came to me a week  and said you think we needed a break, that you had to think some things over, I was confused. I asked all the typical questions: Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Is it another woman, because if it is just say so because I can handle it? Baby, can’t we work this out? What can I do to make it better? And you assured me that I wasn’t the problem, but you didn’t want to talk about it. You said I was wonderful and beautiful and that I deserved the best. You just weren’t sure you were the best, so you needed time to think. You said I should do some thinking, too. Then you kissed me. You kissed me like I meant something to you, but not like you had any intention on coming back. When your lips parted you said, “Be good.” Then you walked away. That’s when I said it. I said, “I love you!” And I meant it. You didn’t turn around, or glance back or acknowledge my words in any way. You had somewhere else to be.

One week, two weeks, three weeks came and went. I didn’t see you or hear from you. I called, but you didn’t answer. I thought about that last kiss for the thousandth time since it happened. I realized that you hadn’t kissed me like I meant something to you, but that I kissed you to let you know I’d wait forever for you. I realized that you didn’t need to look back because you knew that I would be in that same spot waiting for you. That thought brought me to tears. You knew you could walk away and come back to me when ever you felt like it because you meant more to me than I ever meant to you. How did that happen? When did I get that lost in you? What kind of roots had you worked on me and how did I break the spell? I went to the bathroom and splashed cool water on my face and considered how to break the enchantment. Another kiss wouldn’t do it. I didn’t know an fairy godmothers or conjurors, either. And then it dawned on me. I knew the words to break the spell, to break the hold you had on my heart! I knew the words all along. So I looked in the mirror and took the time to examine myself, inside and out. I told myself that I was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told myself that I mattered and was important. I told myself that I didn’t need a man to make me feel my worth. Fresh tears fell with those words, but I didn’t wipe them away. I took a deep breath, and looked my reflection in the eye, leaned forward and spoke the most important words my ears would ever hear, and my spirit would ever feel. I said, “I love you.” And I meant it.

Wild_hair

Photo credit: Peter Klashorst – originally posted to Flickr as Wild hair, CC BY 2.0 https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/inde.php?curid=4907581

 

 

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