Why Loving You is Killing Me

We are tightly wound together

Bound forever by the heart.

You’ve forgotten

How much you need me

And don’t realize

How much I have left to teach you.

You want to run,

But haven’t even learned

How to roll over onto your tummy yet.

You aren’t strong enough

To hold your up.

But you think you’ve seen it all.

You don’t understand

The process of letting go.

You still want to run beyond the gate,

While still clinging to the edge of my apron.

You think the world

Is a glistening marble.

Even thought I’ve tried to tell you

It’s nothing more than jagged rocks

And rough waters.

You want to jump into the deep end of the pool

But think you’re drowning,

When standing in ankle deep water.

You’re a baby in an adult’s body

Demanding that I let you be you,

While you are led astray

By every gentle breeze,

Or seduced by every turn of phrase.

You don’t believe that I once stood

Where you are standing now,

Ready to take on the world

And not even knowing how to spell the word.

But this is life.

Neither one of us knows how live

Something we’ve never done before.

We muddle  through it the best way we know how.

But maybe we can do it without

Ripping each other’s heart out,

If we remember that

We are tightly wound together,

And connected by the heart.

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How I Became a Mom

She was not a part of my plan. She happened to me. Really, I’m not making it up! When I found out my due date, I was very upset. She was expected to arrive on MY birthday!! The nerve of that kid!! I prayed and prayed that she would be a few weeks early. I read the books! She could have been born in the 7th month and be a fully functional human being! But it didn’t happen that way. I went into labor 3 days before my birthday. I was glad!

My labor seemed to be moving swiftly, so I thought I would meet my child later that evening. But, as would become the trend for the rest of my life, the child had other plans. I was admitted to the hospital on the afternoon 14th, and didn’t give birth until the next morning. She had strong lungs. She started crying when only her head was out. I was glad to hear that cry. It meant she was healthy. One final push, officially made me a mom.

I brought her home on my 21st birthday. It rained that day. The thunder and lightening a seemed extra loud to me, but she slept through it. Not a care in the world…until feeding time! But I didn’t feel like a mother, yet. I was scared! God entrusted me with another human life when I could barely fend for myself! What was he thinking?!?! Did he know what he was doing? And then there was the curse my family put on me when I was a kid. The I hope you have a child just like you curse. I wasn’t certain about it before, but with a few years I found out that the curse was real. But, it made my kid predictable, so it was really a blessing. I knew what I was with and how to outsmart her…most of the time.

It took nursing and several diaper changes for me to feel like a mother. It didn’t happen when I first held her. I was excited when she said “Ma” for the first time. That declaration made it official. She gave me a title and in my 21 year old mind, that meant she trusted me with her life.

She is going to be 18 soon. I look back on her childhood and how well she has grown and I can’t help but smile. She survived ME! Lol! She’s smart, funny, talented, tenacious, thoughtful, fashionable (that matters to teenagers), and tough (but she is still frilly and girly when she needs to be). That little person, who is now an amazing young lady, made me grow up very quickly. I’m certain she doesn’t understand that as one of her super powers. She turned an innocent, naive kid into an authority figure and grown woman. I have learned a lot about myself through her, and she’s told me she has learned from me (which, thank God!! Because I was certain she tuned me out several times). I love my daughter dearly!

To all you moms out there, I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day!

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